it’s 2 p.m., my hair’s still slightly damp because I showered recently, and I’m still trying to figure out how to arrange everything I need to do so I can actually get it all done, which in practice means my brain is mostly going in useless circles
I’m definitely a functional adult
hmm actually writing out a list did not especially help and it didn’t even include the 12 reports I need to review and publish next week if I want to take a much-needed long break over the holidays, I have a tension headache because I can’t stop clenching my jaw and I kind of want to cry for various reasons 🙃🙃🙃
seriously, what are some strategies for stopping a stress-induced depression spiral before it gets really bad
have 8 million things to do very soon and I can tell that I’m riiiiiight on the edge of a depression spiral (which is itself at least partly caused by being overwhelmed, dealing with it poorly and becoming more overwhelmed, and hating myself for dealing with it poorly) which is SUPER GREAT TIMING. so obviously I’m making a list, because sometimes that helps.
things I absolutely must do this weekend:
finish the hair repaint on my current Etsy order so I can mail it Monday or earlier
do anything I might need to do for the other outstanding order that the customer also wants in time for Christmas somehow, so that when the parts arrive on MONDAY I can put the thing together and mail it almost immediately (damn well better show up on Monday, which is itself irritating because the site said free 2-day shipping but nobody really means that when they ship to Alaska)
wrap and prepare any gifts I want to mail out because I should also send those no later than Monday, and in fact earlier would have been better, but for some reason every year I’m like “eh, it’s fine, there’s time” right up until there suddenly isn’t
do…whatever I still need to do with Tumblr. import to WordPress, back up the whole thing to my computer with one of several methods I’ve reblogged, try to find specific posts I want to save (original posts and anything tagged “fic ideas” will be tedious but at least easy to find; no idea about other stuff)
semi-related: add something to my Dreamwidth profile so it’s not…blank
haul some more stuff to Value Village and other donation sites, because I’m about to pick up a bunch of shit that will take up too much space in my car (somewhat related: books, music, movies, and toys are 40% off today and tomorrow, which is unusual for them)
set up the damn tree, like even if we don’t put ornaments on it I’d at least like to have the tree up (requires digging it out of the garage, which is a disaster and very much not my disaster)
do something with my dad and sister for my birthday (but first, figure out what and when, and like…I don’t have the mental energy for that)
try to get more birthday donations for SPLC (I went with Trevor Project last year and got several donations without doing much to promote it, so I don’t know if this one’s getting a lot less because it seems more political, or algorithms are hiding this and a lot of my other posts, or a lot of people have deliberately snoozed me because of my political posts, or…something else, idk)
transfer stuff into my new planner, because my current one is close enough to the end that it’s not very useful anymore
other things that don’t necessarily have to happen this weekend but should happen in the really near future, both because they need to get done and because they’re contributing to my overall mental load that means everything is overwhelming:
figure out how to send in the claim for my car accident last year to my life-insurance-and-a-few-other-things company, because it’s worth $50 (should probably also see if I can get something similar for the earthquake, because I think it did fuck up my neck a little more, and $50 is $50 when I’m paying them that much each month)
list other things on Etsy…now that it’s too late to take advantage of holiday sales 😖
sign up for actual training with Hazy
also, bug the rescue group again about recent vet info to figure out whether she has any pre-existing conditions and when she needs a checkup (maybe soon, because she seems to scratch herself a LOT and sometimes she gets kind of wheezy)
also also, try to figure out ways to work on her separation anxiety and general hyperness, which I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO because it’s all a gradual process that I don’t really have time for, and I have yet to find a smart/puzzle toy or a good chew toy that really seems to occupy her attention so I guess I still need to try more, and apparently mental stimulation through training can be good for anxiety and hyperactivity both so I should really be working on extremely basic commands on my own probably??
shit that’s right I also need to figure out if I want to get her on VCA Care Club and do research for pet insurance that might be better than the one we had for Scully
get myself back into a better Planet Fitness habit, because I didn’t go at all this week and I’ve definitely dropped off in the last few weeks, which is partly because I’ve been busy with other things INCLUDING THE GIANT EARTHQUAKE but partly because the main reason I was good about it before was that I literally tricked myself into wanting to work out so I could listen to The Adventure Zone, and once I caught up on that, nothing else I’ve tried (MBMBAM, occasional TAZ updates, Night Vale) has quite filled the gap of “hilarious goofs + suspenseful long-form narrative” that makes me actually want to work out, so…either I need to figure out how make myself go without that motivation (mixed success so far or I wouldn’t be talking about it or feeling guilty about it) or find another podcast I want to binge. and try to figure out if there’s any point to asking them to stop playing so many news channels (especially Fox two or three times and fucking OAN once) at the TV bank for the cardio machines, because that is…honestly another thing that makes me not want to go
related: somehow find a way to make myself do my core exercises regularly, because slacking on those and slacking on Planet Fitness is probably part of the reason my headaches and neck and general constant exhaustion have maybe been worse lately, AND ALSO start regularly doing the exercises that are supposed to help with my newish hand/wrist pain, all of which sucks because a big ol’ theme here is me having a hard time forming un-fun new long-term habits (exercise, going to bed earlier) that are crucial for improving basically every part of my life and not worsening the health problems i already have
TYPE UP MY DAMN NOTEBOOKS and organize everything so I actually know how much I have in my current WIPs; now that my computer is back there’s no excuse for not doing this
also like…write. in general. now that I have a Christmas-related idea I’d kinda like to do and I also want to do a Yuletide treat, and maybe Avengers: Endgame isn’t really a deadline for lots of other fics but also it kind of is
actually organize my backups so they’re not a disaster and it’s not a crisis next time I have computer problems (plus like, I’m going to need everything backed up when I upgrade)
research and buy a CPU, motherboard, SSD, and maybe new PSU, ideally without spending a horrendous amount of money
make more progress in SWTOR because there’s no guarantee how long it’s going to be around and tbh it’s ridiculous I haven’t finished all the class storylines despite having been a subscriber for like. SEVEN YEARS
unfuck my iTunes library YET AGAIN
find a therapist, because I’ve probably been needing one for a while but a huge theme in all of this is being overwhelmed because I have too much to do and don’t know how to deal with it, and then getting into guilt and self-loathing because I dealt with it badly and it got worse, and I’m increasingly sure it’s my not-really-diagnosed-or-treated ADHD starting this old, old cycle to begin with and that means it’s even more important to find a therapist who will actually. do stuff. with the ADHD. instead of just kinda…dropping it.
slight problem though, adding yet another regular appointment means less time for…everything else and that doesn’t exactly help with being overwhelmed, so it’s like…a disincentive to pursue it
the only thing I really want to do:
sleep for about a year
the fic writer’s eternal question: am I feeling stuck/unmotivated/etc. because of internal factors that I can control to some extent (tired, disorganized, busy with other things, general mental-health issues) and that are up to me to fix, or is it because I’m not getting enough attention to make the work feel worthwhile
and if it’s the latter, what the fuck do I do about that, considering I have never found a reliably effective way to advertise and I don’t have a big audience, so it mostly depends on whether someone who does have a big audience happens to reblog me…which pretty soon won’t even be a viable way to reach people because fuck Tumblr
(I will say, if you’ve ever thought one of my ideas or WIPs sounded cool, commenting on and reblogging fics I’ve already posted is THE BEST way to motivate me to write more)
I need to make a few decisions soon today (mostly about how I want to spend my weekend, but also I need to get Hazy’s final paperwork and the rescue group was like “so you’ve decided to keep her for sure?”) and my brain is just like… hmmm. no, Don’t Like This, decisions bad, too many options too much responsibility
(cw mention of pet death, as usual can’t put it behind a cut because mobile)
oh no there’s a new dog on Petfinder named Loki and the part of me that is weak to magical thinking is all “maybe it’s a SIGN that he’s the Right Dog for me!!” even though I know that’s…objectively silly
also getting a dog named Loki, or renaming a dog Loki, seems like asking for trouble of one kind or another
also also, Dachsunds are fine but I’m not in love with them as a breed, and the dog I really want (and that I’ve actually met) is this one because she’s very cute and soft and she seems like a sweet girl
which…is also sort of a problem, and yet another example of my garbage brain: shortly after Scully died, I was angsting about when I should get another dog and how I’d know it was the right dog or the right time, and I got some good advice from people on here, and then I figured it would make sense to wait until after midterms because that will be slightly more than a month and after that it won’t matter as much if my schedule’s not as flexible. that felt pretty reasonable to me. I visited a few adoption clinics anyway, because I wanted to, and Hazy stuck out to me as a pretty ideal choice because she’s pretty much the only adult-but-still-young dog available right now that meets my very subjective personal cuteness/softness criteria while also being small enough that she probably won’t make our place feel more crowded than it already is (the only other good possibility at this point is Rayne, whom I haven’t met, and she’s somewhat bigger than Scully…although she might also have more training than Hazy does). I first saw her at an adoption clinic about a week before Scully died, actually, and I liked her then; since then I’ve visited her a couple more times and got to pet and hold her at the most recent adoption clinic, and…well, I really like her.
but of course the closer I get to the date when I’ve said I could get another dog, the more I’m like…hang on, is it still too soon, am I still a little too fixated on the unfairness of what happened with Scully when we were managing his kidney disease well and he should’ve had several more months at least, am I also still too stuck on the illogical idea that it doesn’t make sense that he’s gone and therefore if I do exactly the right thing I can have him back (there is nothing rational about this, obviously, and consciously I understand that’s not how it works, but my subconscious is just like “death??? what is????? NOPE DON’T GET IT”), should I wait longer? obviously I can, there’s nothing saying I have to get another dog when I said I probably would, but on the other hand I really do want Hazy, and if I am going to get her I want to do that soon so she can get out of foster care and into a forever home…but maybe I should still wait longer…but if I keep waiting, especially if the midterms go badly (because, well, if things get really bad and I end up wanting to leave the country, a dog would probably make that harder, and if I don’t or can’t leave, there’s still the possibility of lots of worse things I don’t want to drag a dog into), I might just never get one…and I really do want another dog, and specifically I like Hazy a lot, and it’s silly to think I should pass on her because maybe then I’ll miss out on The Perfect Dog, given that no such thing objectively exists and anyway I didn’t even pick Scully but he quickly became The Perfect Dog for me and there’s really no reason another dog like Hazy couldn’t also become The Perfect Dog…BUT HOW DO I KNOW so maybe I should wait until I’m sure…but I am very nearly as indecisive as Chidi and therefore I will probably never be completely sure and therefore I should just go ahead and adopt this dog I like…but maybe I should wait longer anyway…
honestly there are more reasons to adopt Hazy than not to, and I’d be sad if somebody else got her first which is also a good indication I should go for it, and yet my garbage brain is still going “yeah but what if, WHAT IF”
Hi! I have decided to make this masterpost, putting in one place everything that I have found ADHD – related!
For some links, I have listed some of the things you can find there, choosing those that I thought were the most useful, but check the whole site because everything is great!
Social networks! Use facebook to find support groups and pages, use Tumblr to connect with others like you and use Twitter to find out about new articles and resources with the tag #adhd!
Thats it! Hope you have found this mp useful, feel free to add things!
the second fic I’m still trying to do for @maximoffficexchange is literally just Loki and Wanda having a conversation so WHY CAN’T I MAKE IT WORK
(“because there are several points the conversation needs to hit and I can’t figure out a sequence that makes sense, and also I’ve been consistently busy with like five other time-consuming things including a sick dog so I haven’t really had time to focus on it properly” YEAH BUT STILL)
…hey brain, doing the mental equivalent of flinching away from something hot every time I try to think about this is the exact opposite of helpful so jot that down
my brain when I have fic deadlines: but I don’t wanna work on the most urgent one. I wanna work on something totally unrelated. or at least the second-most urgent fic.
me: well you can’t, we gotta work on the one with the nearest deadline
me: okay! we did it and now we can shift to the next one! this is good right? you still want to work on it?
my brain: no. wanna work on the one that was previously third-most urgent on the list and is now second.
me: and will you still feel like working on it when that fic moves to the top of the list
my brain: hmmmmmmmmm survey says probably not
I'm a defeatist but I don't have to be 