executive dysfunction is telling yourself for two and a half hours that you need to shower bc you smell like your workplace and you absolutely Cannot do Anything Else until you shower, doing Any Other Thing before showering is illegal!!! but you still haven’t for some reason??? you’ve just been sitting on your bed in a towel scrolling tumblr for 2+ hours thinking “I need to shower right now immediately” and growing increasingly frustrated that you are still not clean and you haven’t eaten or done your laundry either
ok actually no I’m reblogging this because a) I am clean now (and I smell amazing, thank you), and b) I had a heckin Realize and I wanted to share it with y’all in the hopes it’ll help someone else with a brain like mine.
I figured something out about myself a long time ago– it’s only just now occurred to me that I was in fact solving a problem caused by executive dysfunction, and I haven’t been implementing this solution lately because my brain went “that’s a relatively new term to me and therefore a Different problem that requires a Different solution”. thanks a lot, brain.
anyway, long long ago, before I knew these fancy schmancy Official words, the problem, as I phrased it to myself, was such:
sometimes I get Stuck. I was doing something, or on my way to doing something, and then… I just. got stuck.
“Stuck” looks like refreshing my feed or dashboard repeatedly. or it looks like staring at a spot on the wall. or chewing my fingernails. or picking at a stubborn sticker. all the while, my brain drifts through various unrelated topics I wouldn’t be able to recall if asked. sometimes I can get Stuck for hours before realizing I am Stuck. sometimes I get so Stuck that I go to bed that way (feeling especially bad for being unproductive) and I have to just reset everything by sleeping.
one day I asked myself, “why is this happening? why am I stuck, right now, at this moment in time?” the answer, as it turns out, was pretty simple: I was trying to make a decision, and I got distracted. I haven’t moved forward because I haven’t answered that one question or made up my mind.
let me rephrase this in terms of executive dysfunction: many people have expressed that it feels like knowing you need to do a thing but not feeling “ready” to do it. many with ADHD may also be familiar with the feeling of needing things to be “just so” before you embark on a task- you need your setup to look a certain way, or you need to set a timer, or have the right music playing, etc.
when I get Stuck it’s often because I got lost somewhere in that setting-up process, and my brain took the opportunity to nyoom off into Distraction Town.
getting myself Unstuck is solved, 95% of the time, by tracing my steps back to the original decision I was trying to make- often something small and inane- and then troubleshooting from there. (out loud! verbal processing is totally punk.)
“what was I trying to do?”
“was I trying to decide between two things?”
(the answer’s usually yes.)
“what were they?”
“okay, let’s decide.
“okay, that’s settled. let’s move on.”
and then I am free as a bird to nyoom in the direction of The Thing I Wanted To Do All Along, in the amazingly disorganized, scattered, yet rapid-fire way that I do many things.
so!!! in the case of my first post, where I hadn’t showered for 2 hours? turns out I had been trying to decide what music to listen to in the shower. (another hack: my chances of getting Stuck while showering decrease by 75% if I have music playing to help me keep track of time.) I couldn’t immediately make up my mind, got lost in thought, got distracted, and drifted. once I stopped and asked- “why am I stuck?”- then I remembered- “oh yeah! I wanted to listen to music”- and then decided- “I want to listen to Daft Punk’s Discovery album”- I was finally heckin able to shower. and also eat, and also throw my clothes in the dryer.
and may I add I only zoned out once, during the slow part of “One More Time.” 😛
I’m not saying this is a foolproof method. sometimes I don’t have a reason for being stuck, and that’s okay! I’m also not saying this is how every adhd brain works. it’s just how my brain works, and I’m sure there’s at least a few who can relate. for those few, I hope this helps!!
a lot of people are reblogging the original post without the update and leaving frustrated comments and that makes me sad! if I can find ways to hack my brain than so can you! executive dysfunction is a real and frustrating challenge, but don’t buy the lie that there’s no way to work with it or around it!!!
just start. do a single math problem out of the 20 you have. one page of reading and youre done. try to just place one item where it belongs. research that one thing you need for your paper. go over a powerpoint slide for that lecture youre confused in.
i promise you doing one single action feels better than doing nothing at all. take 5 minutes to do just one small task thats been staying in the back of your head.
And yes this is actually a decent bit of advice for some people with executive dysfunction. I used to get so overwhelmed working retail when there would be like, an entire table of shirts that were unfolded, just piled up like laundry. But then one day I decided I would focus on one shelf, or one stack, or one shirt at a time. And sometimes it still felt overwhelming as fuck but I felt like crying way less often.
ok can we agree that the WORST feeling is when you’re just sitting around consciously procrastinating and you’re just overly aware that each second that passes is more time wasted and you like watch hours pass and you’re STILL procrastinating and you CANT STOP and your panicked brain is trapped inside a body that refuses to be productive and inside you’re screaming but outwardly you’re just eating chips
quick tip: figure out what you want to do/needs to be done and count to five; on five get up and do the thing! It may sound dumb but it’s a good trick!
I use this sometimes too—counting down from 10 works pretty well for me, and I find I usually get up even before I reach 1 because I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m already doing the thing. (Of course, first I have to conquer my executive dysfunction enough to remember the countdown method and then decide to use it.)
ok can we agree that the WORST feeling is when you’re just sitting around consciously procrastinating and you’re just overly aware that each second that passes is more time wasted and you like watch hours pass and you’re STILL procrastinating and you CANT STOP and your panicked brain is trapped inside a body that refuses to be productive and inside you’re screaming but outwardly you’re just eating chips
Instead of telling yourself, “I should get up,” or “I should do this,”
Ask yourself, “When will I get up?” or “When will I be ready to do this?”
Instead of trying to order yourself to feel the signal to do something, which your brain is manifestly bad at, listen to yourself with compassionate curiosity and be ready to receive the signal to move when it comes.
Things I did not actually realize was an option
What’s amazing is what happens when you do this with children. I hit on it when working at the foster home, where nearly all our kids were on the autism spectrum, and they weren’t “defiant” around me because I said things like, “How long do you need to stand here before we can move?” and “Come into the kitchen when you’re ready” instead of saying, “Stop staring out the window, let’s go,” or “Come eat dinner,” and interpreting hesitation as refusal to obey.
I have also definitely found that doing the “okay when I finish counting down from twenty is getting up time” has been useful.
Yup, that’s way better for toddlers and younger kids. It helps when they don’t have the self-awareness, attention span, or concept of the passage of time to estimate when they’ll be ready by themselves.
Oh I meant for me. XD Saying it to myself.
WELL OKAY WHOOPS XD I should not have been overspecific, I was just thinking about teaching this stuff to the parents at my job and your reblog made me immediately think of you with Banana and the kidlets.
Another hack: when you want to get up but are stalled by your brain and frustrated – stop. Breathe. Think about what you want to do once you’re up, without thinking about getting up. Treat it like a fantasy, no pressure, just thinking about something you’d like to do in the future. Instead of thinking “I should get up” over and over, think about having a bagel for breakfast, or getting dressed in your soft green sweater. Imagine yourself doing the thing.
I find that exercise often side-steps the block and the next thing I know I’m out of bed and on my way to doing the other thing I thought about.
Works for other things too, if you’re stuck on one step and having a hard time doing it, think about the step after that. Need to do laundry and you can’t get yourself to gather up your dirty clothes in the hamper? Think instead about carrying the hamper full of dirty clothes to the laundry room. And when you get to that next step, if you get stuck again, think about the step after it – you have a hamper of dirty clothes that needs to be put in the wash, let your subconscious handle the “carry hamper to laundry room” step while you’re thinking about the “putting them in the wash” part.
YMMV of course, and this doesn’t even always work for me (particularly not when I need to do a collection of tasks in no particular order, like packing for a trip… “pack socks, pack underwear, pack toothbrush, pack pants, pack shirts” is the kind of non-linear task list where this trick doesn’t help at all), but it’s something I’ve found helpful often enough.
This is one of the most beautiful threads I’ve seen on Tumblr simply because it deals so compassionately with an issue so many of us have and can barely even articulate to ourselves, let alone to anyone else. ❤
I think I get overwhelmed from the thought of all of the consequent steps, so maybe I’ll do the reverse of the advice above and try to focus on the first one.
@the-rain-monster i was just about to say something similar. that can work too sometimes. instead of going “ugh i need to eat something” for four hours, i try to focus on each step in turn.
and i mean each TINY step. just getting out of my chair has this many steps:
pause music
remove headphones
hang headphones on laptop screen
pick up laptop
leg-bend recliner footrest shut
set laptop aside
stand
and i reckon that’s why i get stuck on it; because i’m trying to treat it as one thing, while executive dysfunction is treating it as seven things, and choking on trying to skip to step seven.
concurrent with this is a method i call ‘junebugging’. which is where i go to the location of the thing i want to do, and just sort of bump around the region like a big stupid beetle until the thing somehow accidentally magically gets done. this is an attempt to leverage ADHD into an advantage; i may not have the executive function to make myself a sandwich on purpose, but if i fidget in the kitchen long enough, some kind of food is going to end up in my mouth eventually. and hell, even if i fail on that front, i will probably have achieved something, even if it’s only pouring all my loose leaf tea into decorative jars.*
@star-anise please may i give you an internet hug *hug!* because god how i wish anyone had known to do that for me when i was a kid. my childhood was one big overload, and like 99% of the huge dramatic meltdowns that made me the scapegoat/laughingstock/target of my entire elementary school were simply due to people not giving me time to process the next step, and interpreting a bluescreen as defiance/insult.
*this happened when i was trying to do dishes actually but the principle is sound
yeah i absolutely echo what j’s saying about the steps, it’s a lot like that for me too. i get overwhelmed at the prospect of something that should be simple, and have to slow down and sort out how many steps it’s actually going to take, and what a complicated endeavor it actually is, even if no one else thinks so.
also, i thought i should put in: try to honestly figure out what you’re averse to, that makes things so tough. making a whole bunch of decisions really fast? the potential of things to make a horrible noise? the shame of failure? having to put down what you’re doing now? having to clean up whatever it is you might go do when you’re done?
for instance, for me, the difficulty rating on anything goes waaaay up when a step of a task is ‘go somewhere people will look at you,’ which is for me about the unpleasantness equivalent of ‘jump into a very cold swimming pool right now’. you know you’ll be fine and even have fun once you’ve settled into it, but it still takes a lot of shuffling around and bracing yourself first to go for it. and some days you just don’t fucking want to go swimming.
i discounted this factor for years because i wouldn’t admit that i was so daunted by something so silly as as people looking at me. but, now i know what i’m so aversive about, i can factor it in to plans, and work around it, and be kind to myself. for instance, i was never able to get fit since highschool PE, because i couldn’t make myself go to a gym, or even out jogging. once i figured out the big problem wasn’t avoidance pain or difficulty, it was avoidance of doing a New Thing that i was Bad At in front of Unknown Quantities Of Strangers, which is like a triple threat of stressors, i started working out quietly and safely in my room at night, and i’ve been doing really good on it!
I always picture myself doing the thing before I do it, checking possible outcomes. It is good for my executive disfunction because my brain thinks “Ah, O already did it, just repeat”, and sometimes it works. Also, it helps me to to avoid mistakes. The drawback is that everything takes more spoons because in my brain I do everything several times. And I developed this before I knew what Executive Disfunction was … I was just trying to survive. I was actually surprised to learn that most people “just do” things. How is that even possible?
I find usually when I’m stuck, it’s because I’ve grouped too many tasks together, so I go “of all the things I intend to do when I get up, which is most crucial?” and I decide to do only that one thing, never mind all the other things I was going to do.
I know this post isn’t for me, but I think I’m going to use it too. For like, getting out od ved and doing homework, because the only modivation for either is that if I don’t, I’ll be in trouble. Maybe I should focus on the result of the action rather than currently doing it? Idk. I almost never can get out of bed while still kinda tired or upset when my mom isn’t there to tell me I have to, and somedays I just can’t do homework. Does anybody know if the tactics above also work for when you have a lack of modivation? I don’t have anything wtong with me, but I am easily distractible, and I tend to abandon work for things that are more fun and make me happy. If you don’t want someone changing the subject though, I’ll get off your post. Y’all are just so observant. Like, seriously, looking at the big picture? That’s hard. I think we all need to do that.
This thread got even more amazing since I last reblogged it.
These are a lot of great tips, struggling with executive dysfunction is a living nightmare. I love the part about junebugging around the kitchen, because I often find myself doing the same thing without realizing that’s what I’ve been doing. I need a food but the thought of going through all the steps of making a food- even something as simple as microwave noodles or a PB&J is just so overwhelming. So I find myself just puttering around the kitchen cleaning up for about 10 minutes, because doing mindless cleaning is a million times easier than purposeful cooking. It’s very frustrating to feel you should be able to accomplish tasks that, for some inexplicable reason, feel like climbing Mount Everest – virtually impossible. Thank god I have a big household and by our powers combined we form almost one whole functional adult.
Usually when people talk to me about “laziness”, their proposed solutions include….yelling at themselves, punishing themselves, or offering themselves rewards for good behaviour.
So here’s my question: Do any of those techniques for “laziness” actually help? Do they actually make things better? Do you actually perform better or produce more when you use them? Do these methods work?
Because here’s the thing. If you’re totally neurotypical–if you could do the work if you just tried hard enough–then maybe those tactics will work. If you can but just don’t want to, the problem is that you’re not sufficiently motivated.
But if you’re not–if you’ve got anxiety or ADHD or a learning disorder or depression, something that makes work either too painful or too difficult to handle as it is, something that makes work seem not possible, then those strategies will backfire on you big time. You might get a little spurt of productivity out of the adrenaline of sheer terror, but once that wears off, you’re back to the essential problem that no matter how motivated you are, the work is too difficult/too painful to do the regular way. You won’t be able to maintain a regular, steady flow of work.
(If you have a lack of motivation no matter what, that’s a different problem. Our brain considers getting organized [executive dysfunction] a nice fancy perk. However, the motivation to eat, do things, and take care of yourself is rather more fundamental. Executive dysfunction can be solved with fancy cognitive tricks in many cases, and many people with executive dysfunction issues cope without medication. But if you have an absolute lack of motivation, that’s usually associated with depression and often needs medical treatment to fix.)
So the answer to your question–and the reason why I don’t believe “laziness” lies at the base of most peoples’ problems–is in the results. I’m not kind and gentle with myself because it feels better; I used to self-flagellate with the best of them. But the simple truth I had to admit was that beating myself up didn’t get the work done.
Punishing myself, or promising myself rewards, failed to perform. I got more done, to a higher standard, by being gentle and gently disciplined with myself.
So… that’s how you know. Try both methods and see what works.
Dealing with
executive dysfunction and ADHD becomes so much easier when you stop trying to
do things the way you feel like you should
be able to do them (like everyone else) and start finding ways that
actually work for you, no matter how “silly” or “unnecessary”
they seem.
For
years my floor was constantly covered in laundry. Clean laundry got
mixed in with dirty and I had to wash things twice, just making more
work for myself. Now I just have 3 laundry bins: dirty (wash it
later), clean (put it away later), and mystery (figure it out later).
Sure, theoretically I could sort my clothes into dirty or clean as
soon as I take them off and put them away straight
out of the dryer, but
realistically that’s never going to be a sustainable strategy for me.
How
many garbage bins do you need in a bedroom? One? WRONG! The correct
answer is one within arms reach at all times. Which for me is three.
Because am I really going to
get up to blow my nose when I’m hyperfocusing? NO. In
allergy season I even have
an empty kleenex box for “used
tissues I can use again.”
Kinda gross? Yeah. But less gross than a
snowy winter landscape of dusty germs on my
desk.
I
used to be late all the time
because I couldn’t find my house key. But it costs $2.50 and 3
minutes to copy a key, so now there’s one in my backpack, my purse,
my gym bag, my wallet, my desk, and hanging on my door. Problem
solved.
I’m
like a ninja for getting pout the door past reminder notes without noticing. If I really don’t want to forget something, I make a
physical barrier in front of my door. A
sticky note is a lot easier to walk past than a two foot high
cardboard box with my wallet on top of it.
Executive dysfunction is always going to cause challenges, but often half the struggle is trying to cope by pretending not to have executive dysfunction, instead of finding actual solutions.
i left cabinet doors open all my life and couldn’t make myself stop leaving them open until i figured out my subconscious just wants to know where everything is at a glance. i put labels on each cabinet door for what was behind the cabinet and after that i was a lot better at closing them.
showers are hard for me because they involve a lot of steps to get in and out. buying cleaning hand wipes helps me stay a lot cleaner and happier when i’m too tired or distracted to make myself be a normal person– they’re faster and involve way less prep time, decision making, and unpleasant physical sensations.
i have disordered eating because, again, getting food is complicated, much less cooking anything. buying 10-12$ of cliff bars at a go and keeping them in my room by my bed gives me a headstart on breakfast and lets me take my meds on time. otherwise i would lie in bed, not taking my meds because i had to eat, and not eating because i was too tired and nauseous from being hungry to get out of bed.
‘just try harder’ is not a solution. figuring out the actual problem and addressing it is the solution.
’normal’ isn’t the goal. you can’t be normal. it’s too late, but you know what, fuck normal. trying to be normal is going to kill you. ‘functional’ is the goal, and you can be functional. you can kick ass at functional. and that’s a lot better.
When I talk about how there is no universal system for Keeping Your Shit Together, and how it’s more important to find a system that works for you, this is exactly the kind of thing I mean.
My keys hang on the door so I literally can’t leave my apartment without touching them. My socks kept getting everywhere when I kept them with my other clothes, so instead I now keep them in a little hutch in the kitchen, where I keep all my shoes. All my silverware is in jars on my kitchen island so I can see clearly when I am out of forks. When I didn’t want to put on my socks to go running, I bought running shoes that didn’t require socks. There are people who would find all of the above unworkable and/or appalling but they don’t have to live my life and I do.
Find what works for you and work it. Doesn’t matter if it’s weird or unusual or not as healthy as some weird ideal which is probably just a marketing tool anyway. If it works, work it.
’normal’ isn’t the goal. you can’t be normal. it’s too late, but you know what, fuck normal. trying to be normal is going to kill you. ‘functional’ is the goal, and you can be functional. you can kick ass at functional. and that’s a lot better.
Reblogging for this bit. It’s okay to be functional.
Instead of telling yourself, “I should get up,” or “I should do this,”
Ask yourself, “When will I get up?” or “When will I be ready to do this?”
Instead of trying to order yourself to feel the signal to do something, which your brain is manifestly bad at, listen to yourself with compassionate curiosity and be ready to receive the signal to move when it comes.
Things I did not actually realize was an option
Another thing that has been helpful for me personally has been, when my brain says, “I don’t want to do that thing right now,” I ask it, “Okay. Why not right now, specifically?”
Sometimes there’s a reason, and that’s cool, but sometimes my brain is like “…because?” And I am able to tell my brain it’s full of nonsense and we do the thing.
Another trick I read somewhere that works for me with really simple things like needing to get up–start counting down from 10 with the idea that when you reach 1, you’ll get up. I usually get up well before I actually reach 1, and I think this works because it tricks your brain into thinking you’re already doing the thing you don’t want to do so why not go all the way? It’s not great for more complicated things (“when I reach 1 I’ll write this essay”), but if it’s something simple and concrete like “I’ll close this tab” or “I’ll get out of bed,” I’ve found it pretty reliable.
Dealing with
executive dysfunction and ADHD becomes so much easier when you stop trying to
do things the way you feel like you should
be able to do them (like everyone else) and start finding ways that
actually work for you, no matter how “silly” or “unnecessary”
they seem.
For
years my floor was constantly covered in laundry. Clean laundry got
mixed in with dirty and I had to wash things twice, just making more
work for myself. Now I just have 3 laundry bins: dirty (wash it
later), clean (put it away later), and mystery (figure it out later).
Sure, theoretically I could sort my clothes into dirty or clean as
soon as I take them off and put them away straight
out of the dryer, but
realistically that’s never going to be a sustainable strategy for me.
How
many garbage bins do you need in a bedroom? One? WRONG! The correct
answer is one within arms reach at all times. Which for me is three.
Because am I really going to
get up to blow my nose when I’m hyperfocusing? NO. In
allergy season I even have
an empty kleenex box for “used
tissues I can use again.”
Kinda gross? Yeah. But less gross than a
snowy winter landscape of dusty germs on my
desk.
I
used to be late all the time
because I couldn’t find my house key. But it costs $2.50 and 3
minutes to copy a key, so now there’s one in my backpack, my purse,
my gym bag, my wallet, my desk, and hanging on my door. Problem
solved.
I’m
like a ninja for getting pout the door past reminder notes without noticing. If I really don’t want to forget something, I make a
physical barrier in front of my door. A
sticky note is a lot easier to walk past than a two foot high
cardboard box with my wallet on top of it.
Executive dysfunction is always going to cause challenges, but often half the struggle is trying to cope by pretending not to have executive dysfunction, instead of finding actual solutions.
I don’t recall when I learned it formally (and I had already been practicing it to some extent before that), but the concept of “drop zones” in household management has been very helpful to me.
The concept is simple. If there are have tasks that have too many steps for you to reliably follow thru and then remember what you ever doing before it, or if such tasks result in too much running back and forth between tasks… consider setting up an intermediate repository where you can drop off items to wait for another step of work.
Some drop zones are near universal. Nobody washes clothes or dishes one by one when they go dirty. We instead set up a laundry basket and a sizable kitchen sink, to pile up a bunch of laundry or dishes to later do in one go. An ironing basket or a specific location for bills to pay are also things I see very regularly in people’s homes. Trashcans or recycling bins are also basically drop zones. So these are by no means exclusive to people with executive dysfunction.
And you can just scale this up as much as you’d like. If, as per OP, walking over to “the” trashcan is too distracting, you can just set up more of them. Need to sort through the mail for important letters but can’t do it right away? Set up a bin. Need to put away groceries but can’t do it right away? Set up a designated countertop (or designated floor area, whatever). Need to sew back on loose buttons on some shirts? Put the shirts in a common shelf together, and the buttons in a box together (and if you’d prefer, the buttons on the shelf with the shirts; though I for example rather keep the buttons separately in a general sewing supplies box).
The more you get used to this, the more you can “get started on” things right away with some minimal effort. If you have a drop zone for papers that ought to be filed, you don’t need to actually file them whenever something comes along in the mail, you can just leave them queued for filing.
Drop zones also do not need to make sense to anyone but the people in your household actually doing the work. So, in particular… if you live alone, you can do whatever you want. Papers to be filed do not have to have a neatly labeled bin on a specific shelf; it can be just an anonymous pile on the floor in a specific corner. Or maybe you don’t even need to have them in a centralized location at all: maybe you can just draw a big old checkmark ✓ over them, so that you know not to worry about them later on when browsing. Or, if actually binning laundry seems daunting, you could designate the floor on one side of the bed for dirty clothes vs. another side for clothes still in use. Or, if you tend to have empty bottles piling up, perhaps what works for you is reserving a large cardboard box for them, or setting them up in rows beside the walls, instead of some “neat” bin somewhere in a cupboard…
Dealing with
executive dysfunction and ADHD becomes so much easier when you stop trying to
do things the way you feel like you should
be able to do them (like everyone else) and start finding ways that
actually work for you, no matter how “silly” or “unnecessary”
they seem.
For
years my floor was constantly covered in laundry. Clean laundry got
mixed in with dirty and I had to wash things twice, just making more
work for myself. Now I just have 3 laundry bins: dirty (wash it
later), clean (put it away later), and mystery (figure it out later).
Sure, theoretically I could sort my clothes into dirty or clean as
soon as I take them off and put them away straight
out of the dryer, but
realistically that’s never going to be a sustainable strategy for me.
How
many garbage bins do you need in a bedroom? One? WRONG! The correct
answer is one within arms reach at all times. Which for me is three.
Because am I really going to
get up to blow my nose when I’m hyperfocusing? NO. In
allergy season I even have
an empty kleenex box for “used
tissues I can use again.”
Kinda gross? Yeah. But less gross than a
snowy winter landscape of dusty germs on my
desk.
I
used to be late all the time
because I couldn’t find my house key. But it costs $2.50 and 3
minutes to copy a key, so now there’s one in my backpack, my purse,
my gym bag, my wallet, my desk, and hanging on my door. Problem
solved.
I’m
like a ninja for getting pout the door past reminder notes without noticing. If I really don’t want to forget something, I make a
physical barrier in front of my door. A
sticky note is a lot easier to walk past than a two foot high
cardboard box with my wallet on top of it.
Executive dysfunction is always going to cause challenges, but often half the struggle is trying to cope by pretending not to have executive dysfunction, instead of finding actual solutions.
I'm a defeatist but I don't have to be 